I am a working mom. My love for my work and my gratitude for being able to get up every day and do what I love is only marred by the guilt that comes with my choice to not be with my children 100% of the time.
I have chosen this. I suppose I could argue that in some ways it chose me, but I think that that the journey to reconciling my mommy guilt with my desire to pursue my personal dreams involves owning this decision. Truth is, every day I wake up to two little faces who think that their father and myself are the absolute bee’s knees. They trust us wholeheartedly. I am overwhelmingly aware that our decisions today have far-reaching implications for their lives tomorrow.
And so, I need to be okay with my decisions. In fact, more than okay, I need to believe that the path I have chosen of integrating raising my children and building our family business right now is the best road for us as a family. I also need to lead my children with a resolute confidence that we are going somewhere together and that it is good.
I’m figuring this out, the mommy guilt persists. I am learning however that I need to differentiate between feelings of responsibility and the burden of guilt. Guilt is never a good feeling, it brings shame. It makes us feel the need to justify our very existence. Responsibility is a constant reminder to not forsake an assigned mission, it pushes us to fulfill our call. I have been assigned two little people who need me right now in many ways. They need me to meet their basic needs and they need me to guide them in an understanding of the world around them, to love and nurture them and give them the best possible start to lives that will progress into adulthood.
Meeting basic needs is the easy part. Remaining available and emotionally healthy enough to respond optimally to the needs of small children is the difficult part. Have you ever felt like you are actually losing your marbles because you don’t feel like you have anything more to give? It’s okay to feel this, but not really okay to go ahead and lose your marbles (especially when you are with your children). This is where an awareness of our own feelings and needs becomes important and where we need to let go of the guilt that tells us we are not good enough.
This is my personal resolution: Do I feel like I would be giving my children 100% of me if I chose to give them 100% of my time? No. Is it difficult to give 100% of me to my children for a bit of the time every day? Yes. Am I willing to do this? Yes.
And taking this a step further: Do I feel like the woman / mother / entrepreneur / writer / dreamer that I am when I offer myself to them in my full capacity is a gift to them? Yes – but the mommy guilt still shouts, “you are not with them all the time, you are not doing enough, would it not be better if you gave it all up?”
I have a choice to make as to what I will believe.
Are you a mom who also works outside of the home? How do you deal with these feelings? I would love to hear from you in the comments below. And look out for part two of this article where I will explore some practical ways to find balance as a working mom and ensure that our children are getting 100% of us some of the time.
We want to live a slow life. A life of connection and simplicity. A life that allows us the space to assess what we really want to be spending our time and resources on. And so here we are, the Slow Down Family, working on slowing down more. We are figuring out how to apply this to all areas of our life, and how to do it while raising small children and pursing our dreams.
Follow our journey here as we share our experiences and tips on how to minimise and create space in our lives for the things that we really want to keep.
What a great piece of writing na! Mom guilt is so real, and I too struggle with this on a daily basis…. so glad I am not the only one!
I keep telling myself that ultimately I am setting a good Example to my girls by showing them how to be a successful woman?!
Look forward to reading part 2.
Xxx
Thanks Bridget, It’s so nice to know other moms have these thoughts too. I think that it’s very important to set that example, ultimately we want our children (and in particular daughters when it comes to showing them what is possible), to know us for what we truly are and also to know what is truly achievable for them.
Love this Anna. I go back to work next year and am dreading it. It’s so great to learn from Moms a few steps ahead. But although I haven’t gone back to work yet I still have mommy guilt often!!!! When I’m prioritising house work or friends or ministry over Chloe, I do all these things feeling they are right but then feel such guilt because I haven’t given Chloe 100 % whether it’s in physical attention/cuddles or whether it’s in teaching her new skills. And practical ways… no experience yet as a working mom, but what I do try to do is have a couple of hours of complete – “being present” where I focus 100 % on Chloe and the connection we have. And no other distractions. (Kinda like a date) haha. I’m Sure there is lots to learn , and it’ll be tough when I go back to work but for now this is a small thing I do.
Sounds like you are doing an amazing job Amy! That focussed ‘being present’ time is such a good way to give of yourself. Our kids crave it. It seems us moms are all afflicted with this mommy guilt no matter what our situation, our hearts are pulled between giving of ourselves to our children and giving of ourselves to ourselves. I do want to see moms thriving and pursuing their dreams… even if that dream is just a hot bath and a glass of wine at the end of the day with no interruptions!! I think we deserve it and need to believe that our children will benefit from us pursuing a rhythm to our lives which ensures that us as moms are not burning out or forsaking our own heart desires.
Anna, I so needed to read this today! My little one has started getting into such a state in the morning when I leave for work – it is SO hard to work out the door at the moment.
“This is my personal resolution: Do I feel like I would be giving my children 100% of me if I chose to give them 100% of my time? No. Is it difficult to give 100% of me to my children for a bit of the time every day? Yes. Am I willing to do this? Yes.” – LOVE THIS! Going to remind myself of this every day.
Shea x
Thank you Shea for your comment, it is so encouraging to know my words connect. It is such a tough topic for us moms, and it so helps to know that we all feel these things, a constant struggle. But as we navigate these feelings we figure out how to make choices that allow us to follow personal dreams and be the best moms for our children.